In the words of famed couples’ therapist, Esther Perel, “we tend to marry our unfinished business.”

Which is to say, we tend to be romantically attracted to people who reflect back to us those parts of ourselves we have not confronted, worked on and integrated. A simple example would be someone who requires regular validation from the other of where they stand in the relationship, being attracted to someone who is fiercely independent and who feels easily smothered. And vice versa. Thus, more appeals for validation by person A, results in more withdrawal from person B, and more withdrawal from person B, results in more appeals for validation from person A. And so the loop continues.

In couples therapy we identify these and other patterns in a relationship that keeps couples from establishing deep and meaningful connection. We explore how they may be rooted in childhood experiences, the beliefs and expectations that were shaped by those experiences; we identify the communication styles that set the pattern in motion and the unmet needs beneath.

The aim is to create what we call a conscious relationship, one that encourages clients to take responsibility for their own healing, in order to heal the relationship, and one where clear, mature communication is established to work together towards where the couple wants the relationship to go.